Yesterday, my colleague gave me a book that was written in 1960, "And The Poor Get Children". I read it in one day. It's amazing to see how men and women thought about sex, marriage, relationships, raising families, and such. People weren't sure why they got married or had children, or even stayed together, and seemed to do it because that is what was expected. More than fifty years later and the family structure has been virtually obliterated.
My husband wrote a dynamic book, "From Gigolo to Jesus" which begins to answer the questions that for whatever reason couldn't be answered half a century ago. It's raw, unfiltered, and undiluted testimony. Learn why men don't want to be in committed relationships, why they abandon their children, and what can be done to begin repairing the damage. Pick up your copy today at www.bravinpublishing.com (Tiffany Braxton Belvin)
In any marriage decisions have to be made. They will sometimes be very difficult ones which at the time may not make sense to anyone but you and your spouse. Don't worry. Before you two seek outside counsel on what the you need sit down with each other and the Lord. Yes, talk to each and then talk to the Lord together. Praying together over big decisions is adding to the positive outcome. God protects marriages and looks over husbands and wives.
Now if your not a believer in God the messages doesn't have to be lost. What I said before the spiritual part still stands on its own merit. Close ranks and consider what is best for the two of you before you allow others to have say in your union.
Now I am not talking about what to have for dinner. Even though that can create a war or two. I am talking about life changing decisions. Where will we live? Should I leave my job? Should we start a business? Things which have the potential of putting a great amount of stress on the marriage.
Also, make sure you two have taking the time to listen each other's points on the matter. Give each other a chance to have their say on the matter. Decisions have to be shared and so does communication. There is no crystal ball to the outcome but I can promise you this, you'll be better prepared to deal with the negative or positive outcomes when you cling closer to your spouse and the Lord in your decision.
I pray this helps someone. I know it has helped Tiffany and I.
As I tapped away at my laptop last night, developing one of the characters in my upcoming novel, it brought back memories of KL and me when we first started dating. In my novel, after ending a long term relationship, the character recognizes she has lost much of her personality which people were most attracted to and she attributes it to trying to appease her ex who had a wavering ego. In our "Making Marriage Cool Again" seminars we discuss what it is to make healthy sacrifices for the sake of the relationship and for yourself and how to recognize when you are losing your identity in the process.
I remember when KL and I first started dating I laid down some ground rules. 1) Men are attracted to me, so check your ego at the door. I know how to handle myself and if I find someone who is not respecting boundaries then I will take care of it. 2)I'm a social butterfly. When I go to parties I'm usually the first one on the dance floor. I am not the one holding up the wall while everyone else is having a good time. 3) I talk with every one. I dance with everyone. That means if we go to a function together don't expect that you will be the only man I dance with.
KL full of arrogance figured "Who does she think she is? Women are attracted to me too." Of course that went without saying, however he didn't stop to think of what I was actually telling him. I was letting him know that when we went out I wanted him to enjoy himself too. I didn't want him to feel uncomfortable about dancing with someone else and think that he had to be tied to me at the hip, and also I was absolutely comfortable with him dancing with other women if the circumstance was presented.
The first time KL and I had the experience of going to a party together was in celebration of my twenty-fifth birthday which was only three months into our relationship. He being nine years older and beginning to show a seasoned salt and pepper beard he was often mistaken as my father, uncle, or older brother. The small lounge had about a hundred people there by the time we arrived and it didn't take time for me to greet my guests, take off my coat, and head to the dance floor.
During the night one of the guys I was dancing with asked who I was at the lounge with. I responded my fiance. He said, "Really, where is he?" I pointed to KL who had been standing off to the side talking to some friends.The guy then asked, "He doesn't have a problem with you dancing with other people?" I said no he doesn't.
Later on in the evening a woman whom KL had been dancing with said to me, "You are a really cute couple. At first, I didn't realize that you two were together. I like that you dance with each other, but don't have a problem dancing with other people." I told her we're here to have fun and I wouldn't have it any other way. She said, "A lot of women need to be as secure as you."
Often, I watch couples lose their individual identities and seem to be afraid to be themselves around their partner. I find it humorous because it's as if their personality was taken hostage as soon as their mate walked into the room. They begin to put checks and balances on themselves in an effort to avoid anything that could be misconstrued as a move toward infidelity. They also begin to expect that their partner should react the same.
Take the party for instance. I have had people tell me, "I don't dance with other people because I don't want my partner dancing with other people" or "I'm not dancing with anyone else so my partner shouldn't dance with anyone else." In many cases, the partner follows suit. Not because they want to, but because they feel obligated to as to not disregard their partners feelings.
This can begin to strain the relationship. Insecurities begin to cause you to feel and make yourself uncomfortable. You make your partner feel uncomfortable and neither one of you are actually addressing any issues of concern. You are avoiding and hiding them under the guise of being a "good" partner.
It's not easy to find a comfortable balance of what you are willing to cede in a relationship, however it's always important to recognize whether you are transferring your own feelings of insecurity to your partner or are you allowing their insecurities to be transferred over to you. How much of your sacrifice is because you put checks and balances on yourself due to your own insecurities? Where do you draw the line on how much you allow your partner to influence your actions? -Tiffany Braxton Belvin
So after over two seasons I finally got KL to watch THE WALKING DEAD on AMC with me. Although horrors are not his cup of tea he did admit the series has good writers. From it's debut I have made correlations between what appears to be the end of the world in this drama and current day events. Where people should be depending on each other more than ever there are still personality traits which impact their ability to get along as well as their survival. The Walking Dead has touched on topics such as racism, domestic violence, infidelity, abortion, suicide and even murder.
I find it extremely fascinating how the main group interacts with each other. Toward the end of season two there was an exchange between two of the female characters. While Lori chose to tend to the needs of the house; preparing meals, doing laundry, etc. Andrea chose to be on the front line; learning how to shoot, defending against zombies, keeping watch. The conflict came when each of them didn't recognize the value if the other and what theyoffered to theteam. Each discounted the other's worth and felt their duties were more difficult than the other when in reality both parties are needed for thesurvival of the group. KL and I discuss this during our workshops. It's important to recognize the strengths and weaknesses that each person offers to a relationship. Just because someone chooses to contribute in a different manner doesn'tautomatically make their efforts less valuable. In THE WALKING DEAD Lori works to maintain the mental and physical health of the team. Andrea works to maintain the safety of it. They both have their roles.
Now think about it. What role do you play in your relationship? What are your strengths and weaknesses? -Tiffany Braxton Belvin
As a poet I have never been scared to express my feelings about things. This poem was written in deication to my wife who has made me one of the happiest men on the planter. Here is my words to the Love of my life, Tiffany Braxton Belvin. I Would Say I Do All Over Again.. Your smile brightens my world, sending messages God is real. You’re my Sarah, my Ruth, my Ester and my Mary. With each look I fall in love with you all over again. Is this real of course it is.
As real as the day I joked some day you’ll be mine. I told you.
Can you remember when I said I’d be the greatest man you’ve ever known?
Who knew in my arrogance, I was speaking a word to what you’d bring to my life.
We've seen darkness, pain and moments of despair.
There were times when ending this relationship would have been the common choice.
Our tears and moments of pain have always given way to a brighter tomorrow.
We have seen the light which followed the storms.
Together we prayed when there was nothing left for us to do.
Only to see those prayers answered.
I cherish each breath I am blessed to with you.
Can you hear Toni Braxton and Johnny Gill singing us into holy matrimony as we stood with family and friends?
The sun from our day is still felt as the song signaled your arrival.
The pastor asked “Do You Keith and Do You Tiffany” can you still feel the tears of joy as we uttered “I DO!”
Remember how we faced down “Dean” with only our love and prayer then refused to allow even a hurricane to pull us apart.
A year later,
return triumphant to the same spot with the echoes of that great wind whistling in the Jamaican breeze.
Husband and wife, the words are so common but to us so special.
They can never mean to others what they mean to you and I.
I've sworn an oath to love you, cherish you, protect you and even die for you if I have too.
Many don’t understand and some will never comprehend what we have.
You see my Love; I wouldn’t change a thing about you.
Today is our day, the day we became one.
The day the Lord set aside just for us.
Material I don’t have, wealth has yet to be given, yet I am richer than a man can because I have you.
Allow me to wish us peace and mercy in the presence of the world in the eyes of the Father.
No mere gift would be complete or give what we have its due.
You are my wife, the one the Lord has given me.
This is my gift; I stand and shout for all who will listen and those who try not too,
From the bottom of my heart, I would say I do all over again.
By
K. L. Belvin, Husband of Tiffany Braxton Belvin
In 3 days, it will make 5 years I have been married to my lovely wife Tiffany Braxton Belvin.
We have been together 12 years, but it 2007 we decided to stop playing married and made it real. There are no words which can explain what the Lord has done for my life by granted me the honor of His blessings. He wrote for all to read
Proverbs 18:22
He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from theLord.
Tiff and I have enjoyed each minute of being married. Do we have much, not in the way many people think. However we are rich. I'll explain, when you love God and want Him to forgive your past, you have to make changes in your life. You have to humble yourself to the idea of a greater being and trust all you do is for a greater good. The Lord understood who I was going to be before I learned to listen him. He placed Tiffany in my life so the building blocks would be in place. All we needed were instructions on how to arrange things. The instructions were given to Tiffany. To save my life, the Lord knew I needed a mate who understood me. She was someone I prayed for. I had experienced love in the past and messed up. I needed a partner who understood all the craziness which made me who I was. In walks Tiffany, her moxy, intelligence, style and of course her beauty were needed for me keep focused. But, it wasn't enough, the missing piece was God, Himself.
Once Tiffany gained an understanding of her faith she was able to demand more from me. She drew a line in the sand with my cheating and demanded I make a life altering decision. Tiff didn't say any thing different then what many women say after catching their man cheating and wanting him to change, the difference was, Tiff said, "Its either God and Me or the whores in the streets" When you staring the one you love in the face and she places God and herself on one side of the cliff and says make a move. Is it really that hard a decision to make.
This books was created to show the world how I overcame my negative past. Tiff was the first to read it, approve it and she even wrote the forward.
When you make tough decisions, things don't automatically change because you want it to. Every race begins with a commitment to run it and then one step after another. I needed the push at that time to find the man God created me to be. 5 years later I still love Tiff just as much as I did then. Our love has held up no matter what personal attacks, financial attacks and even nature attacks (we withstood hurricanes Dean and Irene together) have come our way. We have and will faced them together.
Our anniversary is more than just another reminder of another year pasted. Its a reminder of a commitment made to God and each other.
Please share our wedding with us.. We love these videos. We want folks to see we're living what we're asking other couples to consider. Tiffany I love You doll!.. God Blesss.
August 12, 2007, in the back yard of my Grandmother and Mother's home. Video #1
I refer to
unmarried couples living together as "playing house". Each person has
the benefit of virtually going through the marital routine, but there is no
legal commitment or obligation. There are also no entitlements. (Only 16 states
have common law marriages and in some of those states the union had to be
created prior to a certain date)
This came to mind this morning because on
yesterday KL's family had to make a difficult decision of taking a member of
the family off life support. I don't know what her martial status was, but it
made me think how complicated things can get.
Prior to getting married KL and I played house. I remember having a discussion
on this very topic of what we would do if either one of us were faced with this
same difficult decision. Each of us agreed that we would not want to be on
life-sustaining equipment, however imagine if our families felt different.
A situation that is already emotionally taxing is amplified by having to
possibly go through litigation to carry out your partner's final requests. Or,
Imagine not having any input on a final resting place. Things as simple as what
the deceased will wear before they are laid to rest. Maybe, you both talked
about sharing a burial plot. Now, because you're technically not family it's
decided that you don't get to "rest in peace" with your loved one in
the "family's" plot.
I'm throwing some things out there because I know we all have heard our share
of horror stories when it comes to playing house. Custody battles. Financial
and property wars. Imagine being told you're not his wife/husband you have no
say in the matter; family will take care of it.
Yes, you and your partner's family may be on good terms, now, but let your
partner have a lucrative income or property assets at the time of their death
and see what part of the family tree you sit on.
