It's been eight days since we welcomed our little girl, Kayelle Christina, into the world.
I am a bundle of emotions; excitement, nervousness, and at times sadness. I can't go without saying that although this is the most happiest time in our relationship it saddens me that two of the most important people in our lives, KL's grandmother and my mother, are not here to share in the joy of our daughter. Just a year ago both were praying for the day KL and I would have a baby of our own.
The last time I heard KL's grandmother speak she called us to her bedside at the hospital. She prayed for us and said she knew God would bless us with a baby one day. Little did we know less than a month later, and two days after she passed, we would learn we were having a baby.
The last conversation I had with my mom was the day before she passed. She was so happy and looking forward to having her first grandchild. She insisted she wanted to be in the delivery room when I had the baby and told me to make sure I asked my doctor what she needed to do to prepare for it. My mom was also making plans to move closer to us so she could be our full-time babysitter.
I miss both women so much and every time I look at Kayelle I think how happy they would have been. I think of how each would have had suggestions for this new mom and how I would have probably insisted on doing things my way in the end. Nevertheless, I will not let the sadness of not having them here overshadow the blessing.
I've lost count how many times I have kissed Kayelle's cheeks since she was born. I find myself kissing her every time I pick her up and every time I put her down. I know when she gets older she will probably be annoyed at the constant affection, but I feel compelled to show and one day tell her how much she is loved, even before she was conceived.
Kayelle was born at a transitional period of our lives. So, innately, I find myself rethinking every decision I make to ensure it is the right one for her. Breastfeed or formula? What should I eat? What shouldn't I eat? When should I go back to work? Should I go back to work? Daycare or Nanny? Knowing each choice has a consequence and I can not make them independently.
I cherished every moment of the ten months I carried her inside. I cherish every moment since I could hold her in my arms. I will cherish every moment God gives me with her.
This blog I just wanted to share my thoughts. Next one I will write about my labor and delivery experience.